you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
