Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
