i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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