if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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