I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
