every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
