Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize