Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Did I show you my penis last night?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
