Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
