he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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