Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
