She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
