My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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