Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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