I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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