Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
