M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
