Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
