the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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