Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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