Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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