Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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