In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
