you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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