is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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