youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
