I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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