Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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