There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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