He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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