omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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