So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
