Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
