Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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