When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
