Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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