So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
