i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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