someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
