do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
