I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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