It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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