Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
