quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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