Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
