i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
