Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
