i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She bit a glass in half.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
