Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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