actually, I'm a sock model
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
