She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
