Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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