also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are the jesus of drinking
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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