I showed him my bush... on skype.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
