Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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