u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
