You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
