DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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