I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
