I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
