My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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