i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
