they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
